It has been almost 2 weeks since I returned to this place I once called
home. When I first arrived I was hopeful. I needed direction, but I was
hopeful. But after a few days, he told my daughter that he would be
better off not being married.. and that was when I realized all hope was
lost and I completely gave up. I returned to staying in my room,
avoiding everyone, other than my daughter of course. But soon, she
stopped coming home. I have not seen her all week and I am more than
certain it is due to the fact the my inlaws have chosen to keep her with
them.
This has all been very tormenting to me and now I am
beginning to feel the emptiness take over. I have grown beyond my
sadness, and into a place of no emotion. And now all I can think about
is the best way to die. I have reached out to the Husband, but he did not
respond which leads me to believe he really does not care. I don’t
bother with facebook or chatting with online friends anymore as I have
come to believe that every possible friendship I have is completely
fake. I turned off my phone a week ago and just bide my time filling out
job applications and watching movies. I don’t eat unless I get the
shakes and my sleeping habits have morphed into a schedule of staying
awake for 3-4 days and then crashing for about 10 hours. My door stays
locked at all times.
I found my stash of razors yesterday. I cut
to see if I could possibly feel again. The initial cut after nearly a
decade hit me like a high that no illegal drug could ever touch. It was
almost exhilarating. I made several more, focusing on a location under
my left breast that had already been assaulted with another form of
self-harm. I am really glad I have found my razor. I feel a glimmer of
contentment that has eluded me for years.
The Husband came home early
the other day and told me he is taking the next few days off. I left my
door open for a bit, partly in hope that he would like to speak to me.
But after a couple of hours, I realized he had no interest so I closed
my door in my feeble effort to vanish from existence once again.
Yesterday I napped and woke up around 6:30 pm and he was gone. He never
came home so I am guessing he is spending the night, and possibly the
entire weekend, with the inlaws. And in doing so, keeping my daughter there as
well.
I honestly have no idea how to fix this, or if I should
even bother trying. I know I am worthless in everyone’s eyes. I’m sure
my efforts would be pointless. - - -
I am contemplating the best
way to just end everyone’s suffering. I believe I have found the
best/cleanest/easiest way possible. I just have to wait for him to go
back to work. Then, when he comes home, he will find I have given him
what he desires most. And in a way which will ensure that he will not
have to worry about the costs of divorce. He and Lily and all his family
can live a happier life knowing I am completely out of the picture
.
“The
so-called ‘psychotically depressed’ person who tries to kill herself
doesn’t do so out of quote ‘hopelessness’ or any abstract conviction
that life’s assets and debits do not square. And surely not because
death seems suddenly appealing. The person in whom Its invisible agony
reaches a certain unendurable level will kill herself the same way a
trapped person will eventually jump from the window of a burning
high-rise. Make no mistake about people who leap from burning windows.
Their terror of falling from a great height is still just as great as it
would be for you or me standing speculatively at the same window just
checking out the view; i.e. the fear of falling remains a constant. The
variable here is the other terror, the fire’s flames: when the flames
get close enough, falling to death becomes the slightly less terrible of
two terrors. It’s not desiring the fall; it’s terror of the flames. And
yet nobody down on the sidewalk, looking up and yelling ‘Don’t!’ and
‘Hang on!’, can understand the jump. Not really. You’d have to have
personally been trapped and felt flames to really understand a terror
way beyond falling.”
And that is where I am..
