Its dark in here..

i have not been on the forum for awhile. i slipped into a really dark place again after i spoke to my husband and... i am just feeling stupid for thinking i could try.

when i spoke to him, and i not only told him, but showed him i was making an effort, he told me he would consider my request to work things out. but then i found out he was talking shit about me to this girl at work. and he was saying that i was trying to manipulate him and even though he said he was going to wait and see how i was doing, that he really wasn't. he had no interest in doing so. i am completely dead to him.. he says he wants me to get help but in the same breath that he does not want to help me get help.



i...really thought i could count on him to be my advocate to at least fight this BPD, that i still had a friend in him. but i dont.

he was supposed to go with me monday to talk to someone. but i dont want him to.. and i dont want to go alone..  all i want is someone i can trust to be there for me but there is no one.

i sent him an email telling him that from now on no personal conversations would be had between us unless it is to do with the divorce. i also told him that there is no need for him to come over any longer. and if he needs to, he is to call or text first, and ring the doorbell. i did my best to sound cold-hearted.. like i no longer gave a shit.. That as much as I don't matter to him, he doesnt matter to me.. but the entire time I was writing it i was crying my eyes out.

i can't really find it in me to go on the forums right now even though it is supposed to be my safe haven of sorts. in all honesty i am back down to where checking out is practically the only thing on my mind.

how easily i could do it.

we have a gun cabinet, he took the key.. but i have a hammer and i can break the glass and get in very easily if i felt like it. i dont know if he is an idiot for not realizing it, or if he thinks there is no risk really. I am guessing it is the latter because he told me that the first time i admitted i was suicidal, he wasnt really worried and that was why he didnt check up on me for 4 days after the fact.

which.. in and of itself speaks so very loudly..

Thing was.. in that four day span, i ate all the pain medication and muscle relaxers i had from previous heath issues. i ran a hot bath and i took my razor and sliced myself so many times (the right way) that before i passed out i thought of Bathory bathing in the blood of virgins because that was what the water looked like. i woke up ten hours later still in the tub..  alive and sore. obviously i didnt cut deep enough. problem with being a fat girl i guess..

i dont know.. maybe he doesnt have to worry. im selling everything i can on craigslist so i can build my own exit-bag because falling asleep and never waking up seems preferable to taking one of the guns to my head.

does my decision on the way i want to die make me less suicidal? less of a risk?

who knows... who the fuck even cares anymore.