An Idiot's Post - Sometomes love is never enough... and then you just dont care

Current Mood:

dead inside

So.. about my last post. It all started with a misconception of the term paranoia apparently as I was asking for help on something. Ever since I met him, he has told me that he was always paranoid. So. in asking for help in a game, I didnt think anything of using the term.

What Unfolded:

Me: I need help on another quest for SB. The Section is on Quitting. I chose to do the Quitting section because even though I have no addictions, there are things I want to quit. And one of the main things I want to quit is... being afraid all the time. I want to replace all my fears with confidence. (No matter what that fear is of.)I need you to give me 3 reasons why I’ll succeed. Three that will boost my confidence and help me believe in myself. Just 3 reasons I will succeed in my effort to quit being afraid all the time.
I'm not afraid of any one thing in particular, but of so many things. Not like you and how you would worry about things in your paranoia (which I completely understand and empathize with now). My fears are never spoken about. Well, accept for the first one I admitted to you about being on my own.

Him: My issue is not paranoia. It's anxiety and the depression that comes with it. It is situational. When you were away at the hospital it went away completely. After the initial trauma of you leaving passed it went away. My family said it was like I was finally back. I never was bipolar, I never met DSM5 requirements, Dr Donnelly is not a psychiatrist and I am very good at pointing her in the direction needed to be put on meds. I was having a hard time remaining calm around you, because of you. You pushed me to get medicated and in the interests of the marriage I went along. I hated every moment of it. It was like I had fuzz in my head all the time. I was doing poorly at work because of it, but it made you happy. At first. As time went by having all that anger and anxiety shoved into the back of my head I just fell into a shell of despondency. I was dying from the inside out. You kept asking what was wrong but from past experience I knew that anything I said would be met with a twisting that would make me feel worse. I know due to your condition that it wasn't on purpose, but it still felt me feeling worthless. Even now you manipulate me, Your wording made me feel like I had to friend you on facebook again. That if I didn't I was a bad person. So please lay off the "you need help" stuff. Once you are stable and on your own then I will be fine. But you need me right now and I don't want to see you fail. So I am going to accept what is uncomfortable for awhile knowing that there is a light at the end of my tunnel. I want there to be a light at the end of your tunnel as well. But that takes time and help, through group you will find new allies, and you will find new friends now that you are medicated. I will see you through this.

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~blinks~ So yeah.. that escalated quickly. Reading it, all I could see was that everything was my fault. Even now, that's all I see. And I was crushed and immediately wishing I had went ahead and pulled the trigger when I had the chance. I felt like all the hard work I had put into bettering myself and trying to believe in myself and been obliterated completely. I still feel like that. I hate myself again and I feel like a fucking idiot. I had to have a goal to focus on so I would be motivated to get better. My goal was that we would find a way to get past this. That goal is shot to Hell now. Frankly I don't even want to bother because I no longer see the point.

Anyway.. emails that were exchanged next involved me apologizing repeatedly for the paranoia comment and basically repeating what I said in the 2nd sentence of the post. He never once replied that he forgave me. This of course added to my feelings that I don't deserve forgiveness. In fact, I don't deserve anything really. I told him he could stay away because his discomfort was not helping him heal o it would probably be for the best.

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Then he said this: I also don’t want that email to be accusatory, just factual as to where I was through our marriage. I wanted you happy and I didn’t want you to leave. I ended up hurting myself in the end by not being true to myself and I lost myself along the way because of how devoted to you I was. I can’t live that life any longer. I hope I am not putting too much on you too fast, but I see a clarity in you right now and I need to be understood. You are not a bad person. I'll be around

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"Not a bad person???".... I'm sorry but after being so harsh, "You are not a bad person" is not going to make me feel better. In fact.. After saying all that, that little phrase means absolute jack shit to me. Its like putting a child-size finger band-aid on a 6 inch long, 3 inch deep, 2 inch wide wound made by a chainsaw. Completely ineffective.

And I did understand. I understood completely what I had put him through and that was why I was working so hard to try and fix it. But obviously I should not have bothered....

My Reply (I was still crying and wishing I were dead if only to get relief from the heart break. I tried not to let it show.)

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Really.. you don't have to..
the whole "it's because of you" being repeated multiple times kinda has um... me in a really bad place right now. Kinda crushed actually if i am going to be honest.
It's not be cause of me.. its because of the illness.. but thats besides the point and doesnt even matter anymore. You will always see "Me" as the enemy in the failing of what once was "Us" and I know this
 now I has and awkwaes

On top of this, 

Sr koojed at me, her ears dill bit subleased ed, star bright,,, elts go clo

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I then told him not to email me and tried to clear my mind. The desire to die faded slightly but it was replaced with how I now feel toward the friend I had for 20 years who dropped me. It's not a good feeling. It's a feeling of.... "I don't care if I never see you again". So I wrote him once more. I decided that if he felt it was ok to be factual with me, than I may as well return the favor.

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One last thing... as for the clarity you saw in me, it took a LOT of hard work to get there. 12 days in the hospital, hours upon hours of research and playing that stupid game, not to mention a TON of medication.

However the amount of clarity I have does not equal my mental strength. My mental strength has not even started its road to recovery really. I need several more hours of therapy and a psychiatrist before I even get to an inkling of what could be considered mental strength. You have witnessed how fragile and emotional I am. And right now I am literally dying inside.

And (since we are being honest) coming home to such an accusatory message has actually made me wish I didnt unlock the door and let you in. Even though the illness is the enemy, you successfully dismembered all the work it took me to get to the point where I was starting to believe in myself and have hope because you kept repeating how it was all my fault.
Would have been an hoor to die ib wou okayse

Its NOT all my fault. And I know it. But You don't.

So when I say "you don't have to come over".. what I really mean is I don't want you to come over.
I don't want your "family" support in person anymore because I see now that you will always see "Me" as the enemy and not the illness.
You will never be able to separate the two.
And you will never try to do so.
In your eyes the illness and I will always be one and the same.

So don't bother "accepting what is uncomfortable".

Just keep your word and don't file until I am stable. Your supporting me can just consist of the copays for appts and meds and You don't have to see me at all since that is when you are happiest.

And paybe// I can make kn3 9rsg9s3 As for hourh doging, or. Tihe had fire trucak be there

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And I mean every word.
I have given up hope for forgiveness.
I have given up hope for understanding.
I have given up hope that he would see how hard I was trying FOR HIM because I had a clear understanding of what I had done and I felt horrible.

I still do understand.
But I also understand that nothing fucking matters ti him other than getting rid of me.

So why even bother trying.
There is no point.

Ouch...

Came home to a pretty harsh message from the husband full of accusations and a comment that the light at the end of the tunnel for him would be when I am gone. The term "It's because of you" came up several times and .. wow. talk about placing all the blame.

Seems he also feels I manipulated him into befriending me on FB.. so.. i deleted him so he would be more comfortable. Told him that he can friend me back if and when he wants to. I don't want him to feel like I am manipulating him.

I'm also going to stop asking for as much help cause I worry he will think I am manipulating him there too.

I'm in shock and hurting.. and not really in the mood for conversation so.. yeah.


My .0001% of hope that we might be able to work things out has been obliterated, though.
He's really good at hiding how he truly feels.
I'll give him that much. I wish I had those skills/talents.


Christ. Can't one day go by without me crying?




On the bright side, my new Therapist turned out to be very nice

The Bad, The Ugly, and The Good: A Dyslexic Mix of the last 24 hours

It's odd for me to write sometimes. Not because of the very personal content that I share, but because of the time of day that I am most likely to do so. Usually it is after midnight and often close to daybreak. I have to keep that in mind when I write because otherwise the days that things occur will get confusing for me, and probably other people. So instead of saying "Today, ect...", I have to say "Yesterday" or Last night" even though due to my lack of sleep, it always seems like everything happens in one very-long day.. Even so, am going to purposefully write about "Yesterday" slightly out of order and the reason why will be obvious by the end of the post. (And don't skip ahead because that is just a really lame move and would ruin the effect.)

Anyway, very early yesterday morning (say... 3 am ish) I had made a list of specific goals I was going to accomplish. It was a very small list consisting of only 7 things. All of them pretty simple. Around 10 am I began working on this list, keeping focused and getting things done one at a time. (And if you know me really, really well, you would understand how impressive that is.)

One of my goals was to contact and make an appointment with a therapist. Now, from what I understand from other people, at the time of discharge from a mental facility, these types of things are completed by the attending staff. I don't know if the place I was at is run differently or if something kept the staff from taking care of this but either way, it didn't really matter. It was in my hands now. I had been given a list of three choices picked from my insurance provider.

The first one I contacted and left a message with returned my call 2 hours later and said she was not accepting new patients at this time. Ok, whatever, moving on. The next on I called and left a message with got back to me a little quicker, but automatically set me on edge because instead of asking the questions I normally expect (ok what is your name, date of birth, ect...) her first question was "How did get my number and who referred me to you?"

I did my best to hide the fact that I was taken aback by what I perceived to be a bit of a hostile start to the conversation and kept my voice as pleasant as possible. But inside, despite the fact I took a Klonopin just 10 mins prior, I could feel my anxiety growing. I did my best to explain how I had just recently got discharged and her name was listed on my discharge paper-work. Then she began bombarding me with questions about many things surrounding my discharge but absolutely none of them about myself. I answered them the best I could and all the while my anxiety grew like wildfire. Before I even realized it, my voice had lost its pleasant tone and had become cracked as I lost my composure. Finally she asked "What is it you want from me?"

Her tone seemed obviously annoyed and mine was bordering on weeping and desperate as I told her I needed to talk to someone. To see someone, to get help and that's why I was calling. She asked more questions, this time actually pertaining to me though still not the normal ones to be expected. This time they were along the lines of "have you never been to a psychiatrist?", "have you actually been diagnosed with anything?", "what are some of the medications you were put on" (which she interrupted me halfway through my listing them). At that point I did finally break down and was tearful and doing my best not to cry. I told her I had been admitted and was there for 12 days because I had a gun to my head and I just want to get help and start seeing someone.

The next thing I know, she says "Okay, I'm going to give you some numbers of other psychiatrists." At this point, panic had set in completely and I interrupted her:

Me: You mean you are refusing to see me? Are you not taking new patients?

Her: No, I am but... Well, honestly, you are a liability.

Me: But I have called psychiatrists before I even ended up in the hospital. Every single one I called have no appointments available for at least a month or more. The medication I have is only for two weeks. I am doing my best to get help. I want help. I need help and I need it fast.

Her: I understand that which is why when you call them, tell them you want to be on a cancellation list. (She then has me write down a couple on names and numbers while I try to calm myself.) I will also give you some crisis hotline numbers.

Me: (finally at the point where I am crying) I have all those already. I got them upon my discharge. I can't believe I am being turned away because I am 'too' desperate for help. I feel like you are pawning me off to be someone else's problem. I called you because you were referred to me and I am doing the best I can to get help and you are turning me away because of my history of suicide attempts.

Her: Well, like I said, it's a liability issue. I am going to be completely honest with you. If I take you on as a client, I am responsible for you.

Me: (still crying and now pacing through the house) And I am glad you are being honest with me, really I am. I prefer honesty. I, personally am honest almost to a fault, even when it's not in my best interest. But how many calls am I going to have to make and have people turn me away because I am in desperate need of help? I'm sorry, I'm trying not to be upset, its just.. I am going through all this, I am in the middle of getting a divorce, which was the catalyst, and I have called so many people before I ended up in the hospital and my attending physician told me that I show signs of Borderline Personality Disorder but he didn't actually diagnose me. He just told me that without support groups and therapy, the chances of me making it on my own are at 10%, and I have no family to help me and I just.... (at this point I went almost silent because I was overwhelmed and could not speak. All I could do was try to keep from sobbing out loud. I was having major difficulty regaining my composure as my anxiety morphed into a mix of depression, hopelessness,worry, stress and shame for not being able to keep it together. Finally I managed to do so.)

Me: I'm sorry. I just really, really want to get some help.

Her: Have you been to group therapy?

Me: (sniffling and not bothering to hide my depression) No. Not yet. I have plans to but I need to get my anxiety under control first

Her: Where are you? I mean, what side of town are you on?

(I tell her.)

Her: Can you drive? Do you have a car?

Me: Oh yeah, that's actually not a problem. My husband will allow me to use the car any time I need.

Her: Ok. Could you make it in tomorrow. Do you have about an hour and a half?

Me: (complete shock) What? Oh! You'll see me? Yes! Oh my god. Thank you so much!

At this point, I ran through the house to my desk and took down the information, directions and all. All the while thanking her profusely. Her tone was not AS defensive but it wasn't any kinder either. I thanked her at least six times before I hung up but she never once said "You're Welcome." I have no idea what to expect today when I see her and there is a part of me that is very concerned with how the conversation went. I have no idea what I said to change her mind.. and honestly I seriously doubt I will ask. I am too grateful to have an appointment (so soon even) to care.

That whole ordeal exhausted me to the point where I took another Klonapin to help me calm down and then went to lay on the bed to relax. I ended up passing out and sleeping for 3-4 hours. By the time I woke, it was dark out. My "To-Do" list, such as it was, still remains over half unfinished because my body still feels drained from the uncontrollable emotions several hours later. Hell, my muscles are even stiff and sore.

So that was kinda the Bad, The Ugly, and The Good.

However - There is more Good. And it's really, really Good. This Good happened before the call, but I didn't want to talk about it until the end because I really wanted to close my entry with a high note. I had a MAJOR breakthrough today. And I am talking MAJOR, MAJOR Achievement. And I am really proud of myself because this is Amazing.

While I was washing my hands in the bathroom, I was able to look at myself in the mirror and say "I love you."

Not only that, but I said "I believe in you and I forgive you. You are worth loving. You are a good mother. You are a great friend and you are really awesome because even though you are working so hard to better yourself, you are wanting to help heal others. I am proud of you for making yourself the priority though. You do have courage. You do have strength. You always have, even at your worst moments. And I love you.".

I said that to myself while looking in the mirror. AND, I didn't feel stupid. In fact, I felt it sincerely. I BELIEVED IT!

This is a major, MAJOR step for me and I wanted to share it because... Looking in the mirror and even saying "I like you" was something I have never been able to do. Even during my "modeling" phase. In fact, I have never been able to do that in my entire LIFE. I have always hated myself. ALWAYS.

So yeah. I had a Personal Monumental Moment. - I am even considering declaring July 9th a personal holiday that I will celebrate Myself every year. I just need a name for it. I don't want to call it something stupid like "Love Me Day" - but that's basically exactly what it is so it will do for now. So from now on, every July 9th, I will celebrate this occasion. And if I have a job, I will take this day off because it is a day just for me.

I only sleep with people I love, which is why I have insomnia...

The past few entries have been.... "heavy" to say the very least. But again this journal is documentation of a journey. The journey started in a land of never-ending mental nightmares, only to travel through what could only be perceived as one of the many deep pits of a Psychological Hell. Now I find myself on the other-side, yet the road ahead is still black as pitch and unrevealing. With each day that dawn breaks I can't help but speculate if there will be yet another nasty surprise awaiting me such as the one I discovered last evening. I know I have an enemy now, though who and why are questions that elude me. I will not go into the details as to my discovery but I will say with confidence that my estranged husband has had nothing to do with it. I know because I questioned him in person and one of my honed skills from my past is my ability to read body language. His claimed innocence is genuine. Of that I am certain. It was proven even more so when he came over and contacted proper people in an effort to amend the situation at hand. One thing is certain... were it not for the fact that I am being properly medicated currently, I would not be able to handle this issue. I had a hard time simply coming to terms with it upon my discovery. Two weeks ago, this would have landed me in the mental facility just as easily as the email sent with the screenshot.

I watched this video on Netflix last evening, which I will post for you now, The series in and of itself is one I am finding very helpful. This particular one is on how gaming actually IMPROVES your life - with scientific research to back it up. It's only about 20 mins. (Take the time to check it out. It's really quite interesting.)

Anyway... after watching this, I decided to play this... game she created called Super Better. And I have to admit, it is helping me. The first steps of course are baby-steps and it does get harder as you go along, but it is actually helping me feel better about myself and I am finding that I am actually beginning to have mini-goals I want to accomplish as I go along. And since there are 2 challenges that I am actually specifically targeting first, both of which have to do with my mental health, that is a plus. (There is also about 2 or 3 specifically targeted for weight-loss and I have included them in my daily "game play" but my weight is (for the first time in my life, I think) not my number one priority in bettering myself.) Of course, the forums are a broken and part of the site itself is a bit buggy, but for the over-all I find it a positive experience. And I need all the positivity I can get... no matter how silly the source may be.

Today the animals are in need of food-stuffs. I will be going with him to acquire these items. Doing so will complete a few of my "quests" for the day.

....I hate to admit it, but there are brief moments that I forget reality and I have to remind myself that we are still getting divorced. I almost kissed him on the cheek yesterday but I caught myself. When I admitted it, he merely stated that it would have been awkward. And for him, I know it would have been. Lilly had been with us, thrilled to have me around and I guess I almost got caught up in the moment of having our whole family participating in something even though that something was just getting me food so I would not go back to starving myself. It was nice. It was comforting. It felt right...

...but I know it didn't feel right to him. He is convinced we are not good together. He doesn't even want to try to work things out knowing I am doing my best to get better. And, honestly I don't blame him. Looking back, I realize what an awful person I was and how I never truly appreciated all he did for me. Yes I had complaints (but they were mostly about his family) and yes they were valid. But I got so wrapped up in my misery of them that I lost sight of what I had. And now.. it's too late.

But at least he is being kind. A friend... a good friend.

I don't think I will ever date anyone again, let alone get remarried. I don't even have the desire to make new friends, let alone find another lover.

Besides... being the "Crazy Cat Lady" can't be all that bad. At least I will be a COOL Crazy Cat Lady and not one of the freaky ones that no one really want's to be around. Maybe I will start my own "No-Kill" kitty shelter. Those are always needed. Just need to find a cheap house to renovate and turn it into a kitty dream home. (And of course the funds run such a project.)