Its dark in here..

i have not been on the forum for awhile. i slipped into a really dark place again after i spoke to my husband and... i am just feeling stupid for thinking i could try.

when i spoke to him, and i not only told him, but showed him i was making an effort, he told me he would consider my request to work things out. but then i found out he was talking shit about me to this girl at work. and he was saying that i was trying to manipulate him and even though he said he was going to wait and see how i was doing, that he really wasn't. he had no interest in doing so. i am completely dead to him.. he says he wants me to get help but in the same breath that he does not want to help me get help.



i...really thought i could count on him to be my advocate to at least fight this BPD, that i still had a friend in him. but i dont.

he was supposed to go with me monday to talk to someone. but i dont want him to.. and i dont want to go alone..  all i want is someone i can trust to be there for me but there is no one.

i sent him an email telling him that from now on no personal conversations would be had between us unless it is to do with the divorce. i also told him that there is no need for him to come over any longer. and if he needs to, he is to call or text first, and ring the doorbell. i did my best to sound cold-hearted.. like i no longer gave a shit.. That as much as I don't matter to him, he doesnt matter to me.. but the entire time I was writing it i was crying my eyes out.

i can't really find it in me to go on the forums right now even though it is supposed to be my safe haven of sorts. in all honesty i am back down to where checking out is practically the only thing on my mind.

how easily i could do it.

we have a gun cabinet, he took the key.. but i have a hammer and i can break the glass and get in very easily if i felt like it. i dont know if he is an idiot for not realizing it, or if he thinks there is no risk really. I am guessing it is the latter because he told me that the first time i admitted i was suicidal, he wasnt really worried and that was why he didnt check up on me for 4 days after the fact.

which.. in and of itself speaks so very loudly..

Thing was.. in that four day span, i ate all the pain medication and muscle relaxers i had from previous heath issues. i ran a hot bath and i took my razor and sliced myself so many times (the right way) that before i passed out i thought of Bathory bathing in the blood of virgins because that was what the water looked like. i woke up ten hours later still in the tub..  alive and sore. obviously i didnt cut deep enough. problem with being a fat girl i guess..

i dont know.. maybe he doesnt have to worry. im selling everything i can on craigslist so i can build my own exit-bag because falling asleep and never waking up seems preferable to taking one of the guns to my head.

does my decision on the way i want to die make me less suicidal? less of a risk?

who knows... who the fuck even cares anymore.

What? Really?

I have a confession..
Deep down I really do want my marriage to work out.
I have always given everyone second chances.. third, fourths, fifths..
For the first time in my life, I want a second chance.

Thing is, he has people constantly telling him to "be strong". Family. friends... strangers.
He thinks if he gives me a second chance it will mean he is weak.

I just sat for nearly an hour pondering that last sentence. Analyzing it. Mainly because I wanted to be certain what I wasn't being biased in my next statement.

As a person with first-hand experience in giving people not only 2nd chances, but 3rd chances, 4th chances and 5th chances... I will tell you right now, doing so takes a shit-load of strength.

I posted in the "Divorce" section of the psych forum about how I was going to make the effort to save my marriage. I posed a question in the thread as well. The post got several hits. More than any of my other posts ever have. Yet there was no response. Right now, several hours later, there are even more hits.and yet, still not one comment.

It was then that I realized, the support in that group is completely one-sided. It was as if the fact that I had decided to fight to keep my family together, I no longer was deserving of any support, even though I am still hurting. Hell, I didn't even get a sarcastic "good luck with that."

What is wrong with this world? We offer support to those who are struggling but accepting things for the way they are, but those who are struggling, hurting just as much and yet still choose to make a stand to fight, we completely ignore them?

I am truly at a loss and deeply saddened by this. If I had saw that post written by another, I would have commented with just as much support as I would any other.

I think I made myself into an out-cast... I think I just alienated myself on a psychological forum. Well, as least a portion of it.
I have no idea

We have to live today by what truth we can get today and be ready tomorrow to call it falsehood

I often think about the type of people who take pleasure in destroying others. Not physically, but emotionally.

There was one I knew of who openly admitted to the fact that he took great pride in doing just that. He would befriend someone fragile, usually a woman, and he would gain their trust. He was a very patient man so it often did not matter how long it took to do so. To him, it was all part of the game. He had a very efficacious technique. Once he chose the (un)lucky girl, he would pay strict attention to every word she uttered. He would always make certain to compliment her on various things. Since he met these women online most of the things he would compliment her on were things such as a success she shared or her picture or anything creative that she had accomplished. Basic things. On top of this, he was very much a wordsmith so every comment made was with carefully chosen words. He would draw her in and as she let her guard down, he would appear to let his own down as well. In time, she would find herself completely trusting, if not falling in love with him. And he would know the exact moment it would happen. But he would never end "the game" at that point. He would continue to play it for months, sometimes years, all the while stringing her along and deepening the 'friendship'. The longer it lasted, the more deep the wound. He would even manipulate her into slowly turning her back on those whom she called her friend and would continue this process until she had all but alienated everyone from her life other than him. It was a very important part of the process and imperative to the end result.

Eventually he would become bored with her, usually because he had found a new 'toy' to play his game. When that time came, he would watch carefully for any opening that presented itself for him to break off the "friendship" and make it seem as though she was completely at fault. When that happened, his pretty words morphed into poison as he would break her down, belittle her and make her believe that she was completely worthless. Because she had been manipulated, she had no one to turn to. No one she felt comfortable in speaking with. Since he was now all she had, she would do her best and beg for forgiveness and promising that she would be a better person. At this time, he would graciously accept her apology. Again he would take the time to build her up, though considerably less effort was put into doing so. It wasn't really needed at this point. For within a week, sometimes  mere days, she would be right back where she was before. Ignorantly blissful in her friendship with a viper. The break-off process would happen again, and again he would treat her mercilessly, and again she would beg and again he would "forgive" and then even less effort would be made to keep her in his life.

This particular cycle would span years, and eventually decades, until one day.. he would find his opening and the break-off would include a complete lack of contact. No longer would he even bother with her destruction verbally. He would simply state that she was no longer worth his time and then completely ignore her, leaving her absolutely devastated. Then he would watch as his silence took it's toll and she became nothing more then a husk and considerably worse off then they day he had met her. He took delight in the fact he was able to demolish someone so completely and then he would mock them and make statements of utter disdain on various social networks that they were both part of. He was careful never to state her name and he would always make these remarks as though they were nothing more than random thoughts in his head, but he knew that she would see them or come to know of them in some way and that it would further crush what little shards of self worth she had left.

And he felt proud of this accomplishment. He viewed himself near god-like for he had taken someone fragile and insecure and built them up into someone beautiful and strong and then completely shattered them. He did this because it amused him and made him feel powerful.

I do not know what became of the countless women he did this to...

I can only say that I am among the most recent, and also, the one that lasted the longest. While I am a little better than I was when his game first ended, it has caused me to become very jaded... very cynical and completely unable to trust another soul. I no longer believe that real love exists. And I'm not just speaking of 'relationship' love, I am also speaking of platonic love, or any category/level/style of love whatsoever. "Love", in every sense of the word, has become nothing more than a myth. It belongs with things like unicorns, the tooth fairy, and Santa Claus. It is fake and there is no such thing and those that believe in it are complete fools. I don't believe in friendship either. Not true friendship. There are no such things as "true friends."

But, perhaps the most important thing I have lost my belief in, is that being a "good" person, being honest and having integrity and being loyal, matters. It doesn't. It doesn't matter at all. It will not make your life better. If anything, it will make your life much worse. I know this because I have lived it. I have held myself to these standards and I did it because I thought it was the right thing to do. I thought that in doing so, I would eventually find others who held fast to those values as well. But my experience with this person taught me I was a fool. So now I am telling you. Don't waste your time or efforts on such nonsense. These things are only useful if they are faked so that you can get what you want out of life. Don't believe me? Just think about every single politician that has ever existed. Or any person with real power of some sort. None of them are, or ever were, "good people".  That's just the way the world is.

Some people's blameless lives are to blame for a good deal

It's currently difficult to write here but I make myself do so anyway. After all, I made this journal for a reason.

The ex came over this morning to feed the animals as usual, but this time I actually made it out of my room. I have had a question plaguing me and I had to have it answered. Not because I was actually hoping that things would change, but more because I was allowing him (yet another) chance/opportunity to perhaps take some responsibility in, not only the destruction of my emotional/mental state, but of our relationship all together.

Another piece of Back Story- The whole reason I ended up moving into my own bedroom to begin with was the fact that one night he thought it would be a fine idea to rape me. It chose not to call the cops on him for various reasons. And they were quite typical of most rape victims.. feeling as though I deserved it was at the forefront of course. However, added to that was knowing the stigma that rape claims carry where the victim is involved. And then there was the main reason... and that reason was "Who would believe me?" I mean, seriously. Think about how absurd that sounds. A husband raping his wife. Most people feel that it is the "wifely duty" to submit completely to the husband. It's almost as if the institution of marriage means that the woman is now owned by her husband. She no longer has the same rights to her body that she once had. Therefore, forcing her to have sex when she says "No" repeatedly is not all that big of a deal. After all. He married her. While society does frown on domestic abuse, being raped by the husband is not really included in that definition. And knowing this.. why would a woman want to come forward about such a thing? Not only that, domestic abuse is often only viewed as physical. Many times it is forgotten that emotional abuse is a major part of it as well. And the thing about emotional abuse is that it does not leave physical bruises or scars. On the outside, a person can be picture perfect. On the inside, however, there is great damage that (sometimes forever) goes unseen. He was not the physically abusive sort. In fact, it is something he prided himself on. So.. going to the authorities would, most likely, have been useless when he raped me. If they do not see signs of physical abuse, then they are more likely to believe the husband who would simply state "Oh she likes it that way. She gets off on the kink." And then, that would only add to the shame and worthlessness I felt.

So anyway, back to the question: I asked him if he felt there was any chance at all in making an effort to fix our marriage or if he was just done and over it. (Again, not because I had a desire to fix it myself, I was just curious to see where his state of mind was.) And I got the response I was expecting. That no, he was pretty much over it. He claimed that he tried to speak to me on several occasions but in all honesty, he never did. He continued to go on about how this whole situation began years ago and that I was the one at fault for everything going to shit. I didn't want to fight so I didn't bother reminding him of the fact that him raping me had just as much- - if not more - - to do with the reason we were at our current point. I am tired of defending myself when, in truth, i should not have to.

Anyway - - I have letters to write, things to put up for sale, research to continue, and people to contact so I am going to go take care of those things.

On a side-note, I joined this forum on Psych Central. I have made no effort to really reach out to anyone though, mostly because after the emails conversations with the crisis center, I am a bit uncomfortable with attempting to reach out again.