Some people's blameless lives are to blame for a good deal

It's currently difficult to write here but I make myself do so anyway. After all, I made this journal for a reason.

The ex came over this morning to feed the animals as usual, but this time I actually made it out of my room. I have had a question plaguing me and I had to have it answered. Not because I was actually hoping that things would change, but more because I was allowing him (yet another) chance/opportunity to perhaps take some responsibility in, not only the destruction of my emotional/mental state, but of our relationship all together.

Another piece of Back Story- The whole reason I ended up moving into my own bedroom to begin with was the fact that one night he thought it would be a fine idea to rape me. It chose not to call the cops on him for various reasons. And they were quite typical of most rape victims.. feeling as though I deserved it was at the forefront of course. However, added to that was knowing the stigma that rape claims carry where the victim is involved. And then there was the main reason... and that reason was "Who would believe me?" I mean, seriously. Think about how absurd that sounds. A husband raping his wife. Most people feel that it is the "wifely duty" to submit completely to the husband. It's almost as if the institution of marriage means that the woman is now owned by her husband. She no longer has the same rights to her body that she once had. Therefore, forcing her to have sex when she says "No" repeatedly is not all that big of a deal. After all. He married her. While society does frown on domestic abuse, being raped by the husband is not really included in that definition. And knowing this.. why would a woman want to come forward about such a thing? Not only that, domestic abuse is often only viewed as physical. Many times it is forgotten that emotional abuse is a major part of it as well. And the thing about emotional abuse is that it does not leave physical bruises or scars. On the outside, a person can be picture perfect. On the inside, however, there is great damage that (sometimes forever) goes unseen. He was not the physically abusive sort. In fact, it is something he prided himself on. So.. going to the authorities would, most likely, have been useless when he raped me. If they do not see signs of physical abuse, then they are more likely to believe the husband who would simply state "Oh she likes it that way. She gets off on the kink." And then, that would only add to the shame and worthlessness I felt.

So anyway, back to the question: I asked him if he felt there was any chance at all in making an effort to fix our marriage or if he was just done and over it. (Again, not because I had a desire to fix it myself, I was just curious to see where his state of mind was.) And I got the response I was expecting. That no, he was pretty much over it. He claimed that he tried to speak to me on several occasions but in all honesty, he never did. He continued to go on about how this whole situation began years ago and that I was the one at fault for everything going to shit. I didn't want to fight so I didn't bother reminding him of the fact that him raping me had just as much- - if not more - - to do with the reason we were at our current point. I am tired of defending myself when, in truth, i should not have to.

Anyway - - I have letters to write, things to put up for sale, research to continue, and people to contact so I am going to go take care of those things.

On a side-note, I joined this forum on Psych Central. I have made no effort to really reach out to anyone though, mostly because after the emails conversations with the crisis center, I am a bit uncomfortable with attempting to reach out again.