Rock Bottom

First things first:

Emotionally, I'm a pretty fucked up little girl. I don't know what the fuck I am doing or how to get back to the person I was or even IF the person I was would be a good thing to get back to. All I know is that I am hurting and I feel alone and miserable. ...Well, truth of the matter is, I am alone. There is no "feeling" alone. I AM alone. I have no real friends, no one I feel I can trust, and according to those "closest" (and I use that term very loosely) to me, it is completely my fault and no one helped bring me to this level of self-destruction that I have found myself at. I am stupid and worthless and impossible to love and it's All. My. Fault.

There. I said it. Moving right along, then.

This evening I have spent my entire night searching for answers as to "what" I am exactly. I mean, there has to be a name for it. Something real. Something not made-up by myself or others. There has to be a diagnosis or something other than the fact that I am a useless waste of space (which is how I feel and have felt for years now.) And I found it.. BPD or "Borderline Personality Disorder". I don't know if this makes me feel better or worse. It doesn't change the facts but I suppose it's someplace to start. Perhaps now that I have someplace to start, I can figure out how to get help. :/

So.. Borderline Personality Disorder. I guess the easiest way to so this is to copy/paste from Wikipedia. (Obviously this is mostly for my reference alone because.. well.. no friend's list.)

Signs and symptoms

The DSM-5 defines the main features of BPD as a "pervasive pattern" of "instability in interpersonal relationships, self image and affects, and markedly impulsive behavior" and specifies the disorder must meet 5 of 9 criteria for diagnosis.

1. Excessive efforts to prevent abandonment
2. Intense but unstable personal relations that feature extreme alterations between devaluation and idealization
3. Persistently unstable self image
4. Impulsivity that is self-damaging in at least two areas (not including self mutilation)
5. Repeated suicidal behavior, gestures, self-mutilating behavior, or threats of same
6. Marked instability of mood, such as intense dysphoria, irritability or anxiety of short duration
7. Feelings of emptiness
8. Intense anger unrelated to the situation; difficulty in controlling anger, constant anger or frequent angry displays, repeated physical fights
9. Temporary paranoid ideation that is stress-related, or "severe dissociative symptoms

In DSM-5 section III "Alternative DSM-5 Model for Personality Disorders", the proposed diagnostic criteria for Borderline personality disorder, based on trait research, include specifying at least four of seven maladaptive traits (emotional lability, anxiousness, fears of rejection or separation, negative affectivity, impulsivity, risk taking and hostility), of which at least one pathological trait must be impulsivity, risk taking or hostility. According to Marsha Linehan, many mental health professionals find it challenging to diagnose BPD using the criteria in the DSM-IV-TR, since this condition causes such a wide variety of behaviors.To address this issue, Linehan has grouped the symptoms of BPD under five main areas of dysregulation: emotions, behavior, interpersonal relationships, sense of self, and cognition.

Of the traits listed I can honestly say that I have 8 out of 9 of them. (Number 8 being the only one that I do not display.)

Needless to say, my 'family' has not bothered to really look into this to the degree I have. They would much rather me "fix things" on my own and avoid me at all costs, which, in turn, makes me feel even more worthless and causes me to wonder why I am even bothering. This is why I have spent my entire night trying to find answers. Before I figured it out, all I knew was that I was hurting and I wanted to die so that I would no longer be a bother to anyone. Now I still have these feelings, but at least I know the reason behind them. I suppose I am just really disappointed that I married someone who has a degree in psychology and yet he could not find a way to see my situation objectively. Or perhaps he did not care enough to. Who knows? All I am certain of is that I am completely alone in this and have no choice but to try and claw myself out of this hole of spiraling despair I have found myself in.

Side-note: This Youtube page by Charles H Lanham has opened my eyes to many things and perhaps it will help you too. He has been through it all and has insight that most people, despite years and years of schooling, do not.


I made this journal to document it in the hopes that perhaps in the future it will help others as well