Meeting the girl who calls herself "Luna"

So right now I am sitting in front of my computer (obviously) and I am at a point where I have no idea what to say. So I guess I will just post a mind-dump and perhaps, hopefully, something good will come of it. I suppose I could write about myself as much as possible without giving away my true identity. Though as for telling "My Story", that portion will have to wait for now. To be honest, it is something I have to work up to. I still have this HUGE fear of rejection, but I am sure you know how that is. To begin, I suppose I will just give the Reader's Digest version of where I was and where I have found myself. As to how I found myself here... well, that portion I am still trying to figure out.

I used to be a semi-well known photographer and graphic artist in my local (real-life) community and corner of cyber-space. Though at this point you would not know it as I was as thorough as possible in removing every trace of myself. (There are reasons behind this, of course. No one commits cyber-suicide without a reason, but that will most-likely be touched on at a later time.) I wasn't "well-known" enough to be making a ton of money but I was known in many circles well enough to sought out as a photographer from time to time. It took me years to get myself to that point. Both myself and my family made a lot of sacrifices and I am sure there is resentment on their part, though as of yet, they have not made me aware of it. Thing is, I was a girl with a vision. With hopes and dreams for a future and that future was finally nearly within my reach. I had a website, business cards, and my social circle included pin-up models, tattoo artists, and burlesque dancers as well as everything in-between.

That was where I was.

Now, I am basically an empty husk of that person I described above. I have no drive, no ambition, no motivation. There are still parts of me that want - - no.. Crave to create and make beautiful things but every project I start I find myself unable to finish. Knowing this.. who I was and what I have become, I find it brings me down even more-so. I'd cry, but currently it seems I have no tears left.

Perhaps the most pathetic part of this is the fact that the man I married has a degree in psychology. Instead of helping me through this, he has chosen to ignore my pleas for assistance. He would rather see me admitted to a mental institution. On the one hand, I do understand that he is too close to me to view this objectively despite his training. On the other, I feel as though he has turned his back on me completely and has no desire to even try to help me get through this. He was, literally, the last person I could turn to for help. He was my closest friend. A man I will have been married to for 10 years in July. Now we are separated and in the process of divorce.

This is where I am.

I have no one else. Literally. You may ask "But what about your friends and your family?" I never allowed anyone close enough to me when it came to friendship, other than a select few. Somehow I have managed alienate them before all this happened. I'm still trying to wrap my mind around that. As for family.. well they were out of my life long before I found myself in this position. But such is a story for another time.

So there you have it. From a happy artist with a bright future to the anonymous person with feelings of worthlessness and self-loathing coupled with hourly suicidal thoughts. This is the outline of my current and on-going experience with BPD.