It gives me strength to have somebody to fight for; I can never fight for myself, but, for others, I can kill.

Long story short. After my last post, I spiraled down into the Abyss again and attempted suicide again... and failed again obviously.
This time I took nearly 400 pills consisting of sedatives, pain meds, anxiety meds, every other medication I could get my hands on, Dramamine (to keep them all down), and chased it down with Mike's Harder Limeade. It was a pile of rainbow candies that could kill. Or so I thought...

Yes I was discovered.
No, the ambulance wasn't called.
Yes, I am fucking Immortal.

Seriously... I dont know how I lived. I was out for like... 3 days? Maybe? And I didn't even get out of bed until 2 days after that.

So.. We have me, near (but not close enough) Death for 3 days, and not even moving out of my bed for a total of 5 days.
That's 5 days of no food. 5 days of no water.

And when I finally did get out of bed, I was too weak to walk to the other side of the house to eat or drink. And the closest thing to me was... more alcohol. Thus calories to give me energy to get me to food. Needless to say I missed both the appointment with my doctor and with my therapist.

My daughter's 9th birthday is being celebrated Sunday.
Monday I'm going to the "mental health center".
I don't know when I will get out this time.
All I know is that obviously 12 days was nowhere near long enough to become strong enough to believe I am worth anything.

Cause I don't believe it. I never have. And when I got out, I believed it just the tiniest bit. ...and we see how well that went.
Well... now we begin again.

Healing the Moonchild
Take: 2

An Idiot's Post - Sometomes love is never enough... and then you just dont care

Current Mood:

dead inside

So.. about my last post. It all started with a misconception of the term paranoia apparently as I was asking for help on something. Ever since I met him, he has told me that he was always paranoid. So. in asking for help in a game, I didnt think anything of using the term.

What Unfolded:

Me: I need help on another quest for SB. The Section is on Quitting. I chose to do the Quitting section because even though I have no addictions, there are things I want to quit. And one of the main things I want to quit is... being afraid all the time. I want to replace all my fears with confidence. (No matter what that fear is of.)I need you to give me 3 reasons why I’ll succeed. Three that will boost my confidence and help me believe in myself. Just 3 reasons I will succeed in my effort to quit being afraid all the time.
I'm not afraid of any one thing in particular, but of so many things. Not like you and how you would worry about things in your paranoia (which I completely understand and empathize with now). My fears are never spoken about. Well, accept for the first one I admitted to you about being on my own.

Him: My issue is not paranoia. It's anxiety and the depression that comes with it. It is situational. When you were away at the hospital it went away completely. After the initial trauma of you leaving passed it went away. My family said it was like I was finally back. I never was bipolar, I never met DSM5 requirements, Dr Donnelly is not a psychiatrist and I am very good at pointing her in the direction needed to be put on meds. I was having a hard time remaining calm around you, because of you. You pushed me to get medicated and in the interests of the marriage I went along. I hated every moment of it. It was like I had fuzz in my head all the time. I was doing poorly at work because of it, but it made you happy. At first. As time went by having all that anger and anxiety shoved into the back of my head I just fell into a shell of despondency. I was dying from the inside out. You kept asking what was wrong but from past experience I knew that anything I said would be met with a twisting that would make me feel worse. I know due to your condition that it wasn't on purpose, but it still felt me feeling worthless. Even now you manipulate me, Your wording made me feel like I had to friend you on facebook again. That if I didn't I was a bad person. So please lay off the "you need help" stuff. Once you are stable and on your own then I will be fine. But you need me right now and I don't want to see you fail. So I am going to accept what is uncomfortable for awhile knowing that there is a light at the end of my tunnel. I want there to be a light at the end of your tunnel as well. But that takes time and help, through group you will find new allies, and you will find new friends now that you are medicated. I will see you through this.

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~blinks~ So yeah.. that escalated quickly. Reading it, all I could see was that everything was my fault. Even now, that's all I see. And I was crushed and immediately wishing I had went ahead and pulled the trigger when I had the chance. I felt like all the hard work I had put into bettering myself and trying to believe in myself and been obliterated completely. I still feel like that. I hate myself again and I feel like a fucking idiot. I had to have a goal to focus on so I would be motivated to get better. My goal was that we would find a way to get past this. That goal is shot to Hell now. Frankly I don't even want to bother because I no longer see the point.

Anyway.. emails that were exchanged next involved me apologizing repeatedly for the paranoia comment and basically repeating what I said in the 2nd sentence of the post. He never once replied that he forgave me. This of course added to my feelings that I don't deserve forgiveness. In fact, I don't deserve anything really. I told him he could stay away because his discomfort was not helping him heal o it would probably be for the best.

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Then he said this: I also don’t want that email to be accusatory, just factual as to where I was through our marriage. I wanted you happy and I didn’t want you to leave. I ended up hurting myself in the end by not being true to myself and I lost myself along the way because of how devoted to you I was. I can’t live that life any longer. I hope I am not putting too much on you too fast, but I see a clarity in you right now and I need to be understood. You are not a bad person. I'll be around

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"Not a bad person???".... I'm sorry but after being so harsh, "You are not a bad person" is not going to make me feel better. In fact.. After saying all that, that little phrase means absolute jack shit to me. Its like putting a child-size finger band-aid on a 6 inch long, 3 inch deep, 2 inch wide wound made by a chainsaw. Completely ineffective.

And I did understand. I understood completely what I had put him through and that was why I was working so hard to try and fix it. But obviously I should not have bothered....

My Reply (I was still crying and wishing I were dead if only to get relief from the heart break. I tried not to let it show.)

-------------------------------

Really.. you don't have to..
the whole "it's because of you" being repeated multiple times kinda has um... me in a really bad place right now. Kinda crushed actually if i am going to be honest.
It's not be cause of me.. its because of the illness.. but thats besides the point and doesnt even matter anymore. You will always see "Me" as the enemy in the failing of what once was "Us" and I know this
 now I has and awkwaes

On top of this, 

Sr koojed at me, her ears dill bit subleased ed, star bright,,, elts go clo

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I then told him not to email me and tried to clear my mind. The desire to die faded slightly but it was replaced with how I now feel toward the friend I had for 20 years who dropped me. It's not a good feeling. It's a feeling of.... "I don't care if I never see you again". So I wrote him once more. I decided that if he felt it was ok to be factual with me, than I may as well return the favor.

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One last thing... as for the clarity you saw in me, it took a LOT of hard work to get there. 12 days in the hospital, hours upon hours of research and playing that stupid game, not to mention a TON of medication.

However the amount of clarity I have does not equal my mental strength. My mental strength has not even started its road to recovery really. I need several more hours of therapy and a psychiatrist before I even get to an inkling of what could be considered mental strength. You have witnessed how fragile and emotional I am. And right now I am literally dying inside.

And (since we are being honest) coming home to such an accusatory message has actually made me wish I didnt unlock the door and let you in. Even though the illness is the enemy, you successfully dismembered all the work it took me to get to the point where I was starting to believe in myself and have hope because you kept repeating how it was all my fault.
Would have been an hoor to die ib wou okayse

Its NOT all my fault. And I know it. But You don't.

So when I say "you don't have to come over".. what I really mean is I don't want you to come over.
I don't want your "family" support in person anymore because I see now that you will always see "Me" as the enemy and not the illness.
You will never be able to separate the two.
And you will never try to do so.
In your eyes the illness and I will always be one and the same.

So don't bother "accepting what is uncomfortable".

Just keep your word and don't file until I am stable. Your supporting me can just consist of the copays for appts and meds and You don't have to see me at all since that is when you are happiest.

And paybe// I can make kn3 9rsg9s3 As for hourh doging, or. Tihe had fire trucak be there

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And I mean every word.
I have given up hope for forgiveness.
I have given up hope for understanding.
I have given up hope that he would see how hard I was trying FOR HIM because I had a clear understanding of what I had done and I felt horrible.

I still do understand.
But I also understand that nothing fucking matters ti him other than getting rid of me.

So why even bother trying.
There is no point.

I only sleep with people I love, which is why I have insomnia...

The past few entries have been.... "heavy" to say the very least. But again this journal is documentation of a journey. The journey started in a land of never-ending mental nightmares, only to travel through what could only be perceived as one of the many deep pits of a Psychological Hell. Now I find myself on the other-side, yet the road ahead is still black as pitch and unrevealing. With each day that dawn breaks I can't help but speculate if there will be yet another nasty surprise awaiting me such as the one I discovered last evening. I know I have an enemy now, though who and why are questions that elude me. I will not go into the details as to my discovery but I will say with confidence that my estranged husband has had nothing to do with it. I know because I questioned him in person and one of my honed skills from my past is my ability to read body language. His claimed innocence is genuine. Of that I am certain. It was proven even more so when he came over and contacted proper people in an effort to amend the situation at hand. One thing is certain... were it not for the fact that I am being properly medicated currently, I would not be able to handle this issue. I had a hard time simply coming to terms with it upon my discovery. Two weeks ago, this would have landed me in the mental facility just as easily as the email sent with the screenshot.

I watched this video on Netflix last evening, which I will post for you now, The series in and of itself is one I am finding very helpful. This particular one is on how gaming actually IMPROVES your life - with scientific research to back it up. It's only about 20 mins. (Take the time to check it out. It's really quite interesting.)

Anyway... after watching this, I decided to play this... game she created called Super Better. And I have to admit, it is helping me. The first steps of course are baby-steps and it does get harder as you go along, but it is actually helping me feel better about myself and I am finding that I am actually beginning to have mini-goals I want to accomplish as I go along. And since there are 2 challenges that I am actually specifically targeting first, both of which have to do with my mental health, that is a plus. (There is also about 2 or 3 specifically targeted for weight-loss and I have included them in my daily "game play" but my weight is (for the first time in my life, I think) not my number one priority in bettering myself.) Of course, the forums are a broken and part of the site itself is a bit buggy, but for the over-all I find it a positive experience. And I need all the positivity I can get... no matter how silly the source may be.

Today the animals are in need of food-stuffs. I will be going with him to acquire these items. Doing so will complete a few of my "quests" for the day.

....I hate to admit it, but there are brief moments that I forget reality and I have to remind myself that we are still getting divorced. I almost kissed him on the cheek yesterday but I caught myself. When I admitted it, he merely stated that it would have been awkward. And for him, I know it would have been. Lilly had been with us, thrilled to have me around and I guess I almost got caught up in the moment of having our whole family participating in something even though that something was just getting me food so I would not go back to starving myself. It was nice. It was comforting. It felt right...

...but I know it didn't feel right to him. He is convinced we are not good together. He doesn't even want to try to work things out knowing I am doing my best to get better. And, honestly I don't blame him. Looking back, I realize what an awful person I was and how I never truly appreciated all he did for me. Yes I had complaints (but they were mostly about his family) and yes they were valid. But I got so wrapped up in my misery of them that I lost sight of what I had. And now.. it's too late.

But at least he is being kind. A friend... a good friend.

I don't think I will ever date anyone again, let alone get remarried. I don't even have the desire to make new friends, let alone find another lover.

Besides... being the "Crazy Cat Lady" can't be all that bad. At least I will be a COOL Crazy Cat Lady and not one of the freaky ones that no one really want's to be around. Maybe I will start my own "No-Kill" kitty shelter. Those are always needed. Just need to find a cheap house to renovate and turn it into a kitty dream home. (And of course the funds run such a project.)