I only sleep with people I love, which is why I have insomnia...

The past few entries have been.... "heavy" to say the very least. But again this journal is documentation of a journey. The journey started in a land of never-ending mental nightmares, only to travel through what could only be perceived as one of the many deep pits of a Psychological Hell. Now I find myself on the other-side, yet the road ahead is still black as pitch and unrevealing. With each day that dawn breaks I can't help but speculate if there will be yet another nasty surprise awaiting me such as the one I discovered last evening. I know I have an enemy now, though who and why are questions that elude me. I will not go into the details as to my discovery but I will say with confidence that my estranged husband has had nothing to do with it. I know because I questioned him in person and one of my honed skills from my past is my ability to read body language. His claimed innocence is genuine. Of that I am certain. It was proven even more so when he came over and contacted proper people in an effort to amend the situation at hand. One thing is certain... were it not for the fact that I am being properly medicated currently, I would not be able to handle this issue. I had a hard time simply coming to terms with it upon my discovery. Two weeks ago, this would have landed me in the mental facility just as easily as the email sent with the screenshot.

I watched this video on Netflix last evening, which I will post for you now, The series in and of itself is one I am finding very helpful. This particular one is on how gaming actually IMPROVES your life - with scientific research to back it up. It's only about 20 mins. (Take the time to check it out. It's really quite interesting.)

Anyway... after watching this, I decided to play this... game she created called Super Better. And I have to admit, it is helping me. The first steps of course are baby-steps and it does get harder as you go along, but it is actually helping me feel better about myself and I am finding that I am actually beginning to have mini-goals I want to accomplish as I go along. And since there are 2 challenges that I am actually specifically targeting first, both of which have to do with my mental health, that is a plus. (There is also about 2 or 3 specifically targeted for weight-loss and I have included them in my daily "game play" but my weight is (for the first time in my life, I think) not my number one priority in bettering myself.) Of course, the forums are a broken and part of the site itself is a bit buggy, but for the over-all I find it a positive experience. And I need all the positivity I can get... no matter how silly the source may be.

Today the animals are in need of food-stuffs. I will be going with him to acquire these items. Doing so will complete a few of my "quests" for the day.

....I hate to admit it, but there are brief moments that I forget reality and I have to remind myself that we are still getting divorced. I almost kissed him on the cheek yesterday but I caught myself. When I admitted it, he merely stated that it would have been awkward. And for him, I know it would have been. Lilly had been with us, thrilled to have me around and I guess I almost got caught up in the moment of having our whole family participating in something even though that something was just getting me food so I would not go back to starving myself. It was nice. It was comforting. It felt right...

...but I know it didn't feel right to him. He is convinced we are not good together. He doesn't even want to try to work things out knowing I am doing my best to get better. And, honestly I don't blame him. Looking back, I realize what an awful person I was and how I never truly appreciated all he did for me. Yes I had complaints (but they were mostly about his family) and yes they were valid. But I got so wrapped up in my misery of them that I lost sight of what I had. And now.. it's too late.

But at least he is being kind. A friend... a good friend.

I don't think I will ever date anyone again, let alone get remarried. I don't even have the desire to make new friends, let alone find another lover.

Besides... being the "Crazy Cat Lady" can't be all that bad. At least I will be a COOL Crazy Cat Lady and not one of the freaky ones that no one really want's to be around. Maybe I will start my own "No-Kill" kitty shelter. Those are always needed. Just need to find a cheap house to renovate and turn it into a kitty dream home. (And of course the funds run such a project.)