“Such silence has an actual sound, the sound of disappearance.”

Another night goes by and I still have yet to sleep. Ordinarily I would not consider this a big deal because it happens near constantly. But right now sleep is something I deeply desire. Of course, along with that sleepless night, another long and lonely day begins. I actually had to pull up my clock/calendar on my computer to even know that it is now Wednesday.

The soon-to-be ex-husband continues to remain scarce, and yet, despite knowing I have the entire house to myself, I remain in my room behind a locked door. I did contact him at one point. I sent him a text inquiring whether we were actually friends or if we had become nothing more than acquaintances. He replied that we were still friends, but actions speak louder than words and the fact that he does not even make an effort to speak to me shows that there is no "friendship there. Add to this to the fact that my emails to him are met with silence and.. well.. it's quite obvious what the truth is. Why he bothers to lie to me is something I will never understand. This may be me "projecting" or whatever, but he must think I am an absolute idiot if he truly believes I have no idea as to the truth of the matter. Just like I know that he and his family are purposefully keeping my daughter from me. This has been the case for weeks. I honestly can think of no real reason behind this other than the fact that they are preparing to make certain that I am allowed to have nothing to do with her when we finally go to court to determine custody. And yes, I said "when". I know, and have known, that "if" was never really in the cards. I have known for years that when we separated, this was exactly how things would go. I was just hopeful that I would be able to last another 9 years, but such was not meant to be.

I know that divorce always brings out the worst in people and the worst is usually brought out in the side that has family support. In the past, I would do my best to attempt to fight for joint custody, but right now I am at the point where I know it would be a losing battle. Just as I know that if my Ex had his way and was able to have me committed, divorce papers would be delivered to the institution within a weeks time. As I said, I am not stupid. I have been through this before and know all to well that those who claim to care about me have no qualms about lying to my face about any given subject. No one is to be trusted when it comes to divorce. There is no such thing as "fairness" nor is there such thing as "staying friends". It just doesn't happen, and my case will certainly be no different. At this moment it is a battle that I am better off forfeiting. Hopefully, if I am still walking around this pathetic rock, when she comes of age she will seek out and forgive me. If not, well than I suppose such will mark yet another lifetime failure for myself. If trophies were awarded to those who failed at life, I am quite certain that my case would be among those most full.

In other news, I made an attempt to contact a psychologist last evening. Logically I know that these people are here to help people such as myself. Yet, at the same time. I cannot help but feel that a bit of resentment for those who have chosen this as their career. First, there is the fact that I feel like I am having to pay someone to pretend to be my friend and care about me enough to listen to me complain for an hour or so a week. The other fact; it has always been in my head that such people really have no interest in seeing you "get better", Job security and all.. Basically, it's for the very same reason we have not discovered a cure for the common cold. People get sick, they go to a doctor. Doctor prescribes medication that often only manages to mask the cold symptoms. But in truth, the medication does no real help. My views on professional psychology/psychiatry are much the same. Only instead of pills, one must rely on the doctor saying that you are making progress. If you are not, the the spiral continues downward until it has become little more of than a useless moment in time when you begin to question but you are soon quieted down with the statement of "perhaps you are not ready yet" or something of the like, and you fall blindly back into the cycle.

Well, that is my rambling for now. Perhaps in the future I will create my own youtube channel. But, it i highly unlikely.