It's been another one of those bad BPD days. After my last post, I made
an effort to feel better by watching Dane Cook and other stand-up
comedians. It helped me get my mind off things for a little bit. I did
managed to get a few hours of sleep as well. Not as many as I would have
liked, nor nearly as many as I know I need, but something is better
than nothing. especially when on is on their 5th consecutive day with no
sleep at all.
I received another reply from the
Samaritans.
I don't think I will be continuing my correspondence with them. Again,
they are wonderful people and I have nothing negative to say about them.
It's just that during my interaction I discovered that having someone
to simply listen, even non-judgmentally is not enough at this point. As
with most, if not all, crisis hotlines, chats, what-have-you, they are
not allowed to offer advice. As it stands, I am past the point of simply
needing someone to hear me.It may have been helpful a couple months
ago, but right now I find that it is just not enough.I have been going
back-and-forth in my mind trying to decide if I should post them. While I
do wish to document this journey of mine, this is one of those rare
times where I find myself questioning if sharing something would be a
good idea. Doing so would bring a whole new level of vulnerability to
the table. Most likely I will post them at the end of this entry.
This is all probably just my personal insecurities talking. I'm sure I will get past these ones in particular and move on.
In other news, I was told via text by my estranged husband that he is helping me by "pushing me to go to the hospital".
Yeah.. that's great and all, and I have been trying to gain the courage to do exactly that
WITHOUT
his so-called help. In fact, I was the first one who stated that I
probably needed to do so. The help I have been asking for from him is
Emotional Support.
Which, obviously is non-existent since I have been, and continue to be,
completely ignored when I make requests for such. Basically what I need
from him is to be a constant, continuing, empathetic force in my life. I
need him to care enough to take the time to listen. To actually be
around and help me to build trust and encourage me that this is
something I can do. To sit with me, face to face, and talk to me. Maybe
even give me a hug.
Unfortunately, even though I know that he
knows this is what I need as well, I also know that this is something he
is just not willing to do. I really do not have anyone else in my life
who would be willing to do this either. This was why I took the step in
reaching out to the
Samaritans.
I was hoping that if I could at least fool myself into thinking I had a
friend to turn to, I would find the strength to get treatment. It's not
the same though.. talking to a complete stranger. Especially when,
before you even speak to them, you are told that the continuing emails
will not be with the same person. That every time you contact them, you
are speaking to someone different. So, in all honesty, there is no
actual friendship/relationship being built. And when you realize that,
the whole situation becomes completely fake. It's the equivalent of
'canned laughter' on sitcoms. Empty and meaningless. There really is no
substitute to having an actual friend or family member to lean on in
times like these.
Well, I suppose I really have nothing more to
talk about at this point so here is the email exchange with the crisis
center I contacted.
Raw and un-edited:
Um..
this is the first time I have ever contacted anyone. Well, of this
nature anyway.. and honestly I feel a little more than awkward in doing
so. But I know I have to start somewhere and given my epic failure of an
attempt to simply make an appointment with a psychiatrist today, it has
come to my attention that perhaps I need to.. "purge" a bit before
trying to do so again. But I will get back to that..
First things first: Currently, as in at the moment of writing this,
I am NOT suicidal. While I will admit that suicide is on my mind on a daily basis, the
urge
to actually attempt suicide is, at this point in time, not an issue. I
would not say I am "fine", however, because if I was than obviously I
would not be taking the time to pester you lovely people with my
babbling.
So.. as for the issue at hand, well.. I really don't
know where to start. I'm sure some would say "Start at the beginning",
but in all actuality that is a horrible place to start. It would take
hours for me to write down all the life-altering events that created the
person I am and brought me anywhere near where I am at this moment. And
while I am quite aware that reading tombs upon tombs of people's lives
is something that is deeply appreciated, I can only imagine such intense
reading is very taxing on the eyes. And, my dear stranger, I have no
desire to do such.
- - So.. where I am at. Well, at the moment I
have found myself as a fledgling in this world of mental illness. I
have always had issues with social anxiety. I knew I was suffering from
this particular disorder from a very, very young age. I just didn't know
it was not normal or that it actually had a name. When one grows up and
their body is in reacting in a near continuous state- of panic with
seemingly very symptom from labored breathing, to cold sweats, to one's
body shaking so badly that it is a wonder that one's skin does not
simply sloth off, it becomes "normal". So, suffice to say, I am aware of
this issue.
The "fledgling" part that comes into play is that I
have managed to hit an all-time low at this point in my life. Not quite
rock-bottom but that is only due to the simple fact that I still have a
roof over my head. And.. that's about the only positive thing I can say
at the moment. In the past couple of months alone, I have managed to
alienate everyone around me who has ever claimed to care about me. And
when I say "everyone", please let me assure you that this is not an
over-statement in the least. As it stands, I have found myself with
literally no one to talk to. I have no friends, no family, no support
group what-so-ever. How this was brought on is a very long story. And
while I openly admit to having played a large role in this, I also know
that it was not ALL my doing. To make matters worse, this has come at a
time when I have just found out that I have BPD - or.. "
Borderline Personality Disorder.
Obviously this is very, very upsetting to me. What is even more
upsetting is the fact that my, now soon-t-be Ex-husband is a trained
psychologist and despite knowing how important it is that I have a
support group of some sort, he has chosen to take my 8 year old daughter
and stay as far away from me as possible.
(Which, in all honesty, is
merely across the street to stay with his family... of course, that is a
place where I am not, nor ever have been, welcome. Even during the
years when there was nothing really wrong with me, they always made
certain that my presence was tolerated at best. Personally I think it is
because of the fact that I have a ..."gothic" mentality and it is quite
obvious that I am not what one would consider "normal".) He says he
cares about me and that, should I need him, I know where to find him..
but when I pointed out that I am currently in desperate need of his
support and I need him here, at home, to help me deal with this, my
pleas for assistance are met with complete, stone-cold silence. This, in
turn, makes me feel even more abandoned. Especially since he is - -
well, was- - the only person I have allowed close to me.
As for
my family, well.. to say my childhood was traumatic is an understatement
and when I was of age, I decided to make my own decisions and made the
choice to not be a part of their so-called "loving" religion, they made
it very clear that I was no longer a part of their lives. So.. trust
issues, abandonment issues, issues with my personal self image... At
this point I feel as though I have more issues than Sports Illustrated
magazine. And I do have a sense of self-loathing.. and since the BPD
came to light and the only person I was able to trust has all but turned
his back on me after 10 years of marriage, I can't help but have those
obnoxious feelings of worthlessness and daily thoughts of how much
happier and better off everyone would be if I were not to exist anymore.
I do cut.. not on my arms or legs, but rather my breasts because it is
the least likely place to be noticed. I do it almost every other day..
usually when I catch myself surfing the web and spending hours studying
information on how to make an Exit Bag. The cutting, however, has gotten
to the point to where it barely even takes the edge off.. Some of the
wounds are so deep/damaging that I think I have killed off the nerve
endings because in certain areas I don't even feel pain anymore.
...Forgive
me. It was not my intention to ramble on this much. My main reason for
writing, as I stated in the beginning, was due to my failed attempt to
seek out professional help. I guess there was more I needed to say then I
originally thought..
Anyway.. this is going to sound insanely stupid, (it does to me anyway) but honestly I am at a loss.I
was in the process of contacting a psychiatrist today so that I may get
some assistance with BPD and I ended up having a severe panic attack
while on the phone. (These are something have have been dealing with
every single day but due to the fact that so much shit has went down
recently, I have literally locked myself in my room for going on 3
weeks. I have not left my room other than to grab a piece of bread and
cheese or something equally simple to eat or to use the bathroom. And I
have had my phone turned off the majority of the time. So, that being
said, I almost fully understand my moment/reasoning of severe anxiety.)
However,
due to this, I am now finding myself incapable of being able to call to
schedule an appointment without freaking the person out on the other
end of the line to the point where they want me to hang up and call a
crisis hotline. I do not need a crisis hotline. Again, I am not
suicidal. I just want to be able to see a doctor. But every time I am
asked about how I am feeling or what symptoms I have, I find myself
fighting tears, feeling stupid and ashamed, and then the cold sweats
come on as well as the shakiness and inability to breathe and to the
person on the other end, I am quite certain, it sounds as if I am going
to slit my wrists right then and there. I am not of course.. but I am
unsure as to how I can successfully make an appointment with a
psychiatrist when every time I get on the phone, I have these attacks.
I
know that that the main reason you wonderful people are here is simply
to lend a sympathetic/empathetic ear and most-likely not to give advice.
But.. I really, really want to get some professional help. And I want
to be able to do so without having huge anxiety issues once the the
person on the other end starts questioning about what symptoms I have or
how I have been feeling. For some reason, putting this out there,
verbally, tends to overwhelm me emotionally. And when that happens, the
other person stops taking information and refers me to the crisis
hotline. (And yes, I have a huge fear of calling such a hotline, having
yet another verbal conversation that ends up being laced with what
sounds like an emotional breakdown, and 10 minutes later having men in
white coats knocking at my door. This is actually one of the main
reasons I chose to write you instead.)
I just want help. And the
fact that I have no support group is hindering me, I know this. I just
want to be able to make the call, schedule an appointment, and in doing
so, finally catching a glimpse of a light at the end of the tunnel. Is
there any possible ideas you can give me so that I may be able to do
this one little thing that, in all actuality, should be simple? Any at
all? Or even any information on techniques which I can practice in order
to calm myself down enough to maintain a steady voice while the
questions are asked?
I really want to get assistance. I just don't
want to have to be admitted to get it. I am deeply fearful that if it
comes to me being admitted into a mental institution, my estranged
husband will use that opportunity to make certain I never see my little
girl again.
I thank you deeply for taking the time to read this. It truly was not my intention for it to be so lengthy.
Please
be sure to take a moment to rest your eyes, take a break, or perhaps
have some tea. I know that reading words on a monitor can be a bit
tiring.
Hello Luna
It is good you felt able to contact us, it takes a lot of courage to share
your innermost thoughts and feelings - you have made such a huge step already
by sitting down to write to us.
Life sounds like it has been tough for you Luna, and please do not say sorry
for rambling on as you say, you have been through so much.
Samaritans are a confidential service and will not judge you. We will be here
to offer you emotional support and hope that by giving you the time and space
to explore your feelings, you may find a way forward.
You ask for help on how to make this call to your psychiatrist - whilst we do
not give advice we are here to support you emotionally Luna. You say you find
it difficult to make the call - what do you think is holding you back? Reading
through your email, you have such a wonderful way with words - do you feel
that writing down what you want to say on your call would help you?
Whilst you say you do not feel suicidal, you talk of having thoughts of how
much happier and better of everyone would be if you were not to exist anymore
- can you tell us what makes you say this?
You are a brave women Luna, coping with all the the life-altering events that
you have experienced and having your friends and family desert you at the time
you really need them most.
Can you tell us how you see you future at the moment - what do you think needs
to change for you in order for life to get better.
Please keep in touch, we are here to support you whilst you are going through
this difficult time.
Jo
------------------------------
--------------------------
Samaritans
provides confidential emotional support for people experiencing
feelings of distress and despair, including those which could lead to
suicide. Our mailbox is read every day by trained volunteers, using
the name 'Jo'. Messages are read and usually replied to within 12 hours.
Samaritans
is a registered charity, number 219432. It is the co-ordinating body
for the 201 branches in the UK and Republic of Ireland, all of which are
constituted as independent registered charities (or the equivalent). A
trained Samaritan volunteer from one of the 201 branches has written
this email
For more information about Samaritans visit:
www.samaritans.org
==============================
==========================
Hello Jo,
Thank
you for the information as to the advice. I thought such was the case, I
just was not certain. I appreciate you clearing that up for me.
As
for what is holding me back in making the call... Currently it is the
fact that once I was actually speaking with someone, actually hearing
their voice and how they were able to convey a sense of tranquility in
their tone.. I don't know. For some reason it triggered something in my
psyche. It was as if the emotional walls I have been building to help
keep myself as sane and rational as possible just started to crumble.
Outside of very brief conversations (if they can even be called such)
with my husband, I have not spoken to another living soul in nearly a
month. And since he is so abrasive, I suppose that the calm tone of the
individual I spoke to caught me completely off guard. I know it doesn't
really make sense.. having an emotional breakdown just because someone
speaks kindly to you. But then again, I am having trouble wrapping my
mind around this situation.
Right now I feel as though my world has been all but destroyed. Currently,
in my eyes and in my heart, it feels like a cataclysmic event. I can
see nothing through the smoke and ash as I still stumble blindly through
the rubble for several days after it began. Soot cakes in my lungs,
making my chest heavy and my breath labored. Fumes burned my eyes
causing them to brim with tears near constantly. It seems like an
eternity of me losing my balance while I try to find a path out of this
place. When daylight fades into night, my heart aches with loss in such a
way that I lose sleep. As it stands, I have not slept for almost four
days. I find myself reaching out, groping the darkness for anything to
replace the grief. Sometimes I give in to a bit of substance abuse. I do
this very sparingly though.. What I use does not get me "high", I don't
think. At least I does not give me the high that everyone claims it
should. I really don't mind that it doesn't though, because what it
does do is take the edge off my emotional pain just enough so that I am
able to think a bit more clearly without having my thoughts all muddled.
Other times, my fingers just find my blade. Simple, elegant and sharp.
There are times when all I do is gaze at my reflection in the steel. Of
course, as I stated before, this is not always the case.
I
suppose I could write out what I wish to say and perhaps it would help.
But in order to do that, I would need access to the list of the
inquiries they would make. Perhaps with a bit of research I will be able
to find a generic form that is used and build off of that.
As
for what makes me state that everyone would be better off without me..
well, one of the main reasons I said that is because that was exactly
what my ex-spouse said to my daughter weeks ago before our separation
became official. She came to me, upset at his words. I did my best to
comfort her, still under the impression that we were going to make an
effort to work things through. I told her everything would be ok and
that if it would make her feel better, she should confront him and just
say that "it was not a very nice thing to say". Next thing I know, he
came into the room and she did just that. She said "Daddy, that was not a very nice thing to say."
He glared at her and snapped that it was the truth so it didn't
matter.. Witnessing this.. his response, the heartbroken look on her
face.. It was absolutely awful. It was about an hour after that
interaction that the decision was made. And when it was all said and
done, he took my daughter and went over to his mothers. That was about
three weeks ago.
I have not seen her since then, despite my
efforts. I was under the impression that they were keeping her from me..
but last evening he came back to pick up a couple of things and when I
questioned him about it, he told me that, quite frankly, she did not
want to be around me "because I was sad". Now.. whether or not he said
this purely out of spite or because it was true.. that she had no desire
to see me because I am sad, I will probably never know. What I do know
is that he has no interest in making an effort to fix things and his
family, even after 10 years, never accepted me as their daughter-in-law.
Add to that, my own family's lack of interest and the fact that I have
no one els in my life.. well, in my mind saying that "everyone would be
better off if I did not exist" makes complete sense. If I didn't exist,
my daughter could come home and sleep in her own bed. He could come home
and not have to worry about trying to avoid me. (which he really
shouldn't worry about anyway being as I remain locked in my room whether
he is home or not.) His family could breathe easy knowing that I would
never be around disrupting their lives with my continued feeble efforts
try and gain their acceptance. And my family.. well.. They would not
even notice. As far as they are concerned I have not existed for about
15 years. So, yes.. I honestly do feel everyone would be better off
without me. When I am feeling really low I contemplate for hours, and
sometimes even a couple of days, the best way to make their dreams a
reality. I have already decided that I would leave a note if I go
through with it. And the note would simply state "You're welcome." Nothing
more would need to be said. At this point in time I have already
apologized and begged and pleaded for others to make the effort to make
things work. They have no interest in doing so. So as far as that is
concerned, I have given up. Actually.. it was this morning I finally
gave up. I made a final effort, requesting that we at least try to work
things out for the sake of our daughter. Again my request was completely
ignored and met with dead silence. So.. yeah. I am pretty much at the
"why even bother" stage of things now.
I'm
not going to lie. My heart is breaking right now. And yes, I actually
have decided on my 'exit strategy' as it were. There are only two
reasons I have not done it yet. One, I don't have what I need for what I
wish to do and two, despite the fact that I am highly upset and
hurting, I am still not in the correct mindset. - - That being said, I
know there must be one tiny thing that keeps me from it, even if those
two things were to fall neatly into place. And that is the very tiny,
nearly invisible sliver of hope that if I show these people I love that I
am making an effort, they will have a change of heart. They will come
home. They will stop ignoring me, my emails, and my texts.. And they
will join me in my efforts to rebuild. Course.. it is merely a tiny
sliver of hope. At this point I have no idea if it will grow.
As
for how I see my future.. Honestly, I don't. For me to even feel like I
have a future to work toward, I feel like I would need to have someone
that I care about show me that they believe in me. Simply believing in
myself no longer works for me. I was capable of doing so in my late
teens and early twenties. The ambition and drive I had back then was
astounding. Even during the 2 years I was literally living on the
streets, my only shelter consisting of bridges, and if I was lucky,
abandoned houses, I still found the motivation to keep going. I had a
dream and a vision and that was what carried me through.
That
ambition vanished when my daughter walked out the door with her dad to
go join the rest of his family and all the love and attention they had
to offer. They have made it perfectly clear that they have every
intention of keeping her from me even if I were to manage to hold a job,
get a car and a place of my own.
So.. I guess the answer to that last question would be for any one of them to have a change of heart.
And I am pretty sure I don't need to tell you what I feel the likely-hood of that will be.
C'est la vie
Hello Luna,
It is good that you feel able to write down and share your
inner most thoughts and feelings, do you find that it helps?
You say that you could write out what you wish to say and
perhaps it would help, have you managed to research about the
enquiries that they would make?
Life sounds like it is still extremely difficult with you,
and having no contact with your daughter must be very hard
for you to cope with. In your email you say that you have
decided on your 'exit strategy', does this mean that you are
planning to end your own life?
Samaritans are a confidential service and we will never judge
you, or any decision that you make. We are here for you to
discuss your thoughts and any feelings of suicide that you
may be having, we will continue to support you emotionally
for as long as you need us. Please remember you are not
alone.
Jo
------------------------------
--------------------------
Samaritans
provides confidential emotional support for people experiencing
feelings of distress and despair, including those which could lead to
suicide. Our mailbox is read every day by trained volunteers, using
the name 'Jo'. Messages are read and usually replied to within 12 hours.
Samaritans
is a registered charity, number 219432. It is the co-ordinating body
for the 201 branches in the UK and Republic of Ireland, all of which are
constituted as independent registered charities (or the equivalent). A
trained Samaritan volunteer from one of the 201 branches has written
this email
For more information about Samaritans visit:
www.samaritans.org
==============================
==========================
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