Anyway, very early yesterday morning (say... 3 am ish) I had made a list of specific goals I was going to accomplish. It was a very small list consisting of only 7 things. All of them pretty simple. Around 10 am I began working on this list, keeping focused and getting things done one at a time. (And if you know me really, really well, you would understand how impressive that is.)
One of my goals was to contact and make an appointment with a therapist. Now, from what I understand from other people, at the time of discharge from a mental facility, these types of things are completed by the attending staff. I don't know if the place I was at is run differently or if something kept the staff from taking care of this but either way, it didn't really matter. It was in my hands now. I had been given a list of three choices picked from my insurance provider.
The first one I contacted and left a message with returned my call 2 hours later and said she was not accepting new patients at this time. Ok, whatever, moving on. The next on I called and left a message with got back to me a little quicker, but automatically set me on edge because instead of asking the questions I normally expect (ok what is your name, date of birth, ect...) her first question was "How did get my number and who referred me to you?"
I did my best to hide the fact that I was taken aback by what I perceived to be a bit of a hostile start to the conversation and kept my voice as pleasant as possible. But inside, despite the fact I took a Klonopin just 10 mins prior, I could feel my anxiety growing. I did my best to explain how I had just recently got discharged and her name was listed on my discharge paper-work. Then she began bombarding me with questions about many things surrounding my discharge but absolutely none of them about myself. I answered them the best I could and all the while my anxiety grew like wildfire. Before I even realized it, my voice had lost its pleasant tone and had become cracked as I lost my composure. Finally she asked "What is it you want from me?"
Her tone seemed obviously annoyed and mine was bordering on weeping and desperate as I told her I needed to talk to someone. To see someone, to get help and that's why I was calling. She asked more questions, this time actually pertaining to me though still not the normal ones to be expected. This time they were along the lines of "have you never been to a psychiatrist?", "have you actually been diagnosed with anything?", "what are some of the medications you were put on" (which she interrupted me halfway through my listing them). At that point I did finally break down and was tearful and doing my best not to cry. I told her I had been admitted and was there for 12 days because I had a gun to my head and I just want to get help and start seeing someone.
The next thing I know, she says "Okay, I'm going to give you some numbers of other psychiatrists." At this point, panic had set in completely and I interrupted her:
Me: You mean you are refusing to see me? Are you not taking new patients?
Her: No, I am but... Well, honestly, you are a liability.
Me: But I have called psychiatrists before I even ended up in the hospital. Every single one I called have no appointments available for at least a month or more. The medication I have is only for two weeks. I am doing my best to get help. I want help. I need help and I need it fast.
Her: I understand that which is why when you call them, tell them you want to be on a cancellation list. (She then has me write down a couple on names and numbers while I try to calm myself.) I will also give you some crisis hotline numbers.
Me: (finally at the point where I am crying) I have all those already. I got them upon my discharge. I can't believe I am being turned away because I am 'too' desperate for help. I feel like you are pawning me off to be someone else's problem. I called you because you were referred to me and I am doing the best I can to get help and you are turning me away because of my history of suicide attempts.
Her: Well, like I said, it's a liability issue. I am going to be completely honest with you. If I take you on as a client, I am responsible for you.
Me: (still crying and now pacing through the house) And I am glad you are being honest with me, really I am. I prefer honesty. I, personally am honest almost to a fault, even when it's not in my best interest. But how many calls am I going to have to make and have people turn me away because I am in desperate need of help? I'm sorry, I'm trying not to be upset, its just.. I am going through all this, I am in the middle of getting a divorce, which was the catalyst, and I have called so many people before I ended up in the hospital and my attending physician told me that I show signs of Borderline Personality Disorder but he didn't actually diagnose me. He just told me that without support groups and therapy, the chances of me making it on my own are at 10%, and I have no family to help me and I just.... (at this point I went almost silent because I was overwhelmed and could not speak. All I could do was try to keep from sobbing out loud. I was having major difficulty regaining my composure as my anxiety morphed into a mix of depression, hopelessness,worry, stress and shame for not being able to keep it together. Finally I managed to do so.)
Me: I'm sorry. I just really, really want to get some help.
Her: Have you been to group therapy?
Me: (sniffling and not bothering to hide my depression) No. Not yet. I have plans to but I need to get my anxiety under control first
Her: Where are you? I mean, what side of town are you on?
(I tell her.)
Her: Can you drive? Do you have a car?
Me: Oh yeah, that's actually not a problem. My husband will allow me to use the car any time I need.
Her: Ok. Could you make it in tomorrow. Do you have about an hour and a half?
Me: (complete shock) What? Oh! You'll see me? Yes! Oh my god. Thank you so much!
At this point, I ran through the house to my desk and took down the information, directions and all. All the while thanking her profusely. Her tone was not AS defensive but it wasn't any kinder either. I thanked her at least six times before I hung up but she never once said "You're Welcome." I have no idea what to expect today when I see her and there is a part of me that is very concerned with how the conversation went. I have no idea what I said to change her mind.. and honestly I seriously doubt I will ask. I am too grateful to have an appointment (so soon even) to care.
That whole ordeal exhausted me to the point where I took another Klonapin to help me calm down and then went to lay on the bed to relax. I ended up passing out and sleeping for 3-4 hours. By the time I woke, it was dark out. My "To-Do" list, such as it was, still remains over half unfinished because my body still feels drained from the uncontrollable emotions several hours later. Hell, my muscles are even stiff and sore.
So that was kinda the Bad, The Ugly, and The Good.
However - There is more Good. And it's really, really Good. This Good happened before the call, but I didn't want to talk about it until the end because I really wanted to close my entry with a high note. I had a MAJOR breakthrough today. And I am talking MAJOR, MAJOR Achievement. And I am really proud of myself because this is Amazing.
While I was washing my hands in the bathroom, I was able to look at myself in the mirror and say "I love you."
Not only that, but I said "I believe in you and I forgive you. You are worth loving. You are a good mother. You are a great friend and you are really awesome because even though you are working so hard to better yourself, you are wanting to help heal others. I am proud of you for making yourself the priority though. You do have courage. You do have strength. You always have, even at your worst moments. And I love you.".
I said that to myself while looking in the mirror. AND, I didn't feel stupid. In fact, I felt it sincerely. I BELIEVED IT!
This is a major, MAJOR step for me and I wanted to share it because... Looking in the mirror and even saying "I like you" was something I have never been able to do. Even during my "modeling" phase. In fact, I have never been able to do that in my entire LIFE. I have always hated myself. ALWAYS.
So yeah. I had a Personal Monumental Moment. - I am even considering declaring July 9th a personal holiday that I will celebrate Myself every year. I just need a name for it. I don't want to call it something stupid like "Love Me Day" - but that's basically exactly what it is so it will do for now. So from now on, every July 9th, I will celebrate this occasion. And if I have a job, I will take this day off because it is a day just for me.
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